member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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