Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
