Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
