Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
