Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
