Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
