i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
