I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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