I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
