Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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