I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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