I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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