I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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