As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
