just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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