My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
