Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
