I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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