walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
