Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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