So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sobbing to NWA
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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