I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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