I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
