So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't deserve a penis
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
