Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
