Soap is not a condiment
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
