So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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