Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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