I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
