Your mouth is God's brothel.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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