Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
