I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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