I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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