I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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