News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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