I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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