She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
