I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
