Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
