Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
