It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
