the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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