Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
