I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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