they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
