how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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