i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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