My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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