Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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