It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
