I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
