I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
