Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
