Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
