My first STD was from a foam party
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
