I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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