Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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